.

19th april 2005

so tired!
went to that "rave" thing today with my mum. we ran into my aunty and uncle and i found out it was supposedly 30+ but i was just allowed in by the security peeps... there was a few others who were visibly younger but idk! i got a ciggy from an old lady outside and she said "thought this was for over 30s!" and so i just felt kinda out of place, especially cuz they played a lot of music i just hear on greatest hits radio on the way to work/at work. also it was super crowded, and the music was way too loud for the type of music that was playing. but everyone was going wild for it so each to their own i guess but i was just being barged into constantly by people and my head hurt so bad from the strobe lights (is this really necessary for "love train"??") plz help

so ye that was my day. gonna chill now. gnite

17th april 2005

urghhhh

i feel like shit today.

i'm at work again this morning, been here for about an hour and a half now... (9:50am rn).

i want to make some graphics and elements for the site but my eyes feel heavy because i'm feeling pretty low and i really can't be bothered doing anything. i keep seeing art from other people who i look up to and it always discourages me, everything feels kind of hopeless and when i try to improve my skills in certain areas, i never feel satisfied and i'm doing 5000 things also at the same time, so it takes me a long time to improve. i tried to make some music yesterday, like i have been passively for the past zillion years, and it sounds like shit.

other people enjoy it but i always feel like they are just being nice to me. i could make something really genuinely good and i would convince myself it was shit and that if people see stuff i've made then i should panic because i don't know what they could be thinking about it. not being in control of people's opinions is quite scary to me! i'd rather disappear and have nobody know anything about me than people know me and form opinions of me, i don't know when i can trust people or if they are just pretending to be my friend or like me. i don't know if they are all laughing about me, if i'm the joke to someone. that's also why social media freaks me the fuck out. i constantly delete things that i post because i have a gut feeling that people are thinking horrible things about me and that everyone thinks i am very annoying and hates me.

in an ideal world i would practise different mediums over a long period of time but i've always just wanted instant results. when i don't get those results i take it out on myself and blame myself for not being good enough. i base my worth on the things i create and nothing more. i feel like if i don't have something to prove myself by, then i am a useless person. i want to be known for the right reasons but also i am terrified of being acknowledged.

since the start of this year i've felt a big disconnect like never before. i've tried to keep myself to myself. but at the same time i've not been doing what i wanted to do, at least on the scale that i planned. i've been burnt out for ages, and when my creativity comes back, i don't make anything that i feel truly proud of, which depreciates my self-worth and self-image a shitton. i've felt like a pest to those who know me and like when/if i show them anything i make, that they think it's shit and therefore i should DIE!

i have no clue who even reads this aside from 2 people i know irl so. #dealwivit. i have a lot lot lot of self hatred that i have been trying to purge since i was very young but it never truly goes away. my goal is to be able to appreciate my own art/music/work and not sell myself so short. but also, i have to force myself to get better at stuff otherwise i'm gonna be stuck in this shitty rut forever.

i might make another entry later. it's only early but i have a lot on my mind. i need to take my medication too, but it makes me more overstimulated at work because of the aforementioned ANNOYING ASS RADIO

bye 4 nao